Clouds Rant :the Horrors of Kingdom Hearts
by Kojay
Summary: Cloud rants to an audience about what he went through during the making of KH1,KH:CoM,KH2,FF7:AC and he also will rant about the PS3. T for language, some violence, and suggestive themes. C&C welcome.
1. Clouds Rant

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts or Disney for that matter.

**Clouds Rant about the evils of Disney.**

"Hello you all know me as Cloud Strife" Cloud said to the audience. "But there are people who know me as a fiend who works for Hades himself! This is all Disney's fault!" cloud twitches "I haven't seen Leon since then, what are they planning? I don't know but I'm here to tell you of Disney's evil…." He got up "You Know Cid? They sent him to fricken Catholic school! Now he says nothing worse then crap. He used to be the one who cussed the most! Damn you Disney!"

"What did they do to you?" a man from the audience asked.

"You all know my love Areis? They made a clone of her and called her Arieth! The bastards. And they didn't bring my childhood friend Tifa either. I think Shinra is behind this." Cloud shifts his eyes. "Yes Disney teamed up with Shinr..."

"What about Sepharoth?" a woman interrupted.

"yes… Sepharoth…. He could have done it to… no. Wait.. I killed him, I killed him dead!" he started cackling .

"But he was in Kingdom Hearts!" the woman said.

"Don't say that word" he casts fire on her. "Um... Sorry about that. They made a clone of Sepharoth too. Who does Disney think they are? God? Then there's Sora…"

"Sora is so kawaii! Sora X Riku so hot!" Some little boy in the crowd screamed.

"Holy Shit!" Cloud jump to the ground. "Gay fan boy!" Cloud held up his hand "Diamond Dust" Dumbo appeared out of now where and attacked the boy.

"See what a mean?" Cloud said. "they got rid of all the good summons and replaced them with little wimp-ass Disney characters." He got up ad dusted himself off. "Any way back to Sora. He thinks he defeated Sepharoth. He was all like 'Look at me I'm a little prick it a key for a sword, and use fire attacks that sounds like a male stimulant' I remember when I was his age. It was almost 10 years ago…." His eyes got all hazy "I wanted to join solider and I hung out with my rapidly maturing at an early age friend. Not flying around in 'Gummi Ships' and talking dogs and talking ducks." He twitched again.

"What about Red XIII? He talked! He was like a dog!" a very angry pet owner asked

"Red 13 wasn't a dog dumb ass! He was the last of his kind! Is your poodle the last of its kind? No." Cloud started panting and sat down "Anyways Why did they have to bring us to their little gay game anyways?" he got up and yelled "Damn You Mickey, Damn You!"

Two little men came and put Cloud in a bag

"No" he cried through the bag, "they must be doing a sequel……"


	2. Clouds Rant 2

Hey readers! Sorry I haven't even touched this fic for like 2 months. But now Cloud is back and as pissed off as ever. With Chain of Memories and Kingdom Hearts 2, Cloud has gone through a lot. He shall tell of his horrors once again in Cloud's Rant 2.

Cloud's Rant 2

"Hello again everyone," Cloud said to his ever loving crowd. "I have returned from the land of pain, torture, and placing clones of various strength on little cards. Yes I have come back from the set of Kingdom Hearts."

"What do you mean by clones?" A man from the audience asked.

"WHAT DO I MEAN BY CLONES!" Cloud foamed from the mouth. "In 2004's hit GameBoy Advance game, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Sora and Riku used cards to battle. Well how do you think they got all those cards to attack? Clones. Yes they cloned me to make cards. But they did not stop there."

"Why not?" The same man asked.

"If you just let me finish…" Cloud growled.

"What will you do?" The man sassed.

Cloud picked up three level nine Cloud cards "Cross-Slash!" He attacked the man. "Anyways… when they cloned me they made the clones vary, IN WEAKNESS! The strength of each clone was from zero to nine, and if you combineded them the most strength you only get a maximum of twenty-seven in power, while I clearly am a thirty at my weakest."

A person with third-degree burns stood up. " 'Combineded'?"

"Don't make fun of my grammar! Wait… I remember you… Firaga!" Cloud held up three fire cards."

The scorched figure held up a random zero card. "Not this time!"

"Damn-it! Foiled again! Also Zeros can get rid of any card if played at the right time… stupid cards… Well anyways I know you all are horny with anticipation of Kingdom Hearts Two. Which they should have waited and made it on the new PS3…Oh well, one of the new stars is here to talk with us. You may know him by his famous phrase, 'Why is the run gone?' It's Jo…Jack Sparrow!" Cloud smiled.

"Hi….. Heehee…" Jack laughed.

"Did you just… giggle?" Cloud said appalled.

"Mehyesh…."

"But you are supposed to the best damn pirate this side of the Spanish Maine." Cloud pondered.

" 'Maine?' " the person with the burns questioned Cloud again.

"You…" Cloud grabbed his sword. The burnt person held up a level zero Dumbo card. "Not this time." Cloud cut the card in half. "We'll be back after this short break."

CCCCCRRRRRAAAACCCKKKKK!

"My arm!"

"Ok and we're back. Now can we get this guy some rum?" Cloud asked.

A guy came out from behind the curtain. "Here is some rum."

"Give a hand to Marluxia, also known as, my bitch." Cloud turned on the applause sign. The audience was silent. "Ok, don't clap then." Marluxia handed Jack and Cloud a glass of rum each. "Now shoo." Marluxia ran off the stage.

The audience clapped.

"Yeah, now you clap. Anyways… So Jack could tell us about your terror in KH2?"

Jack took a sip of rum. "Ahh… that's the stuff. I haven't had any in months. They never let me have rum while making this vile game. This explains that little giggle, sorry about that. I know Cloud that you don't like Disney very much, and I'm sorry that I am from Disney; I am starting to hate them myself. I am from the best Disney movie ever made and then they do this to me. Why? Why? WHHHHHYYYYY….." Jack started to sob.

"Well folks it looks like I'm not the only person that hate 'em. So Jack what happens in this game? What do you do?"

"Oh not much, I…..fi…ght…. sleeeeeepy……" Jack fell asleep.

"What is that coming out of his ass!" Cloud yelled.

"That's a…" The burnt and broken audience began to say.

"Did I ask you? That's a tranquilizer dart! Oh well I guess I'll tell you about my role in this game. Well there have been rumors that there is a Final Fantasy world, I just want to tell…. Yo…..u……Tha….." Cloud yawned "What… the… hell…, whats… that…?"

The room went Dark. "CLEAR" "GO! GO! GO!" "Red Squadron Leader we are all clear cut on the lights." The lights came on.

"Hello. I am Cloud Strife." A Cloud clone with really skinny muscles said on the stage. "Poodles!"

Behind the stage… "Hey what are you doing?" Cloud cried

"We are taking you back to Square; they are making remakes and stuff of your game." Mickey Chuckled.

"That's great! I get to see Tifa again… She looks so hot in that oh so tight shirt and sweet short skirt, oh and when it rains you can se…."

"Actually, Heh heh, they got rid of that…. Nice outfit….." Mickey's ears perked up.

"Mickey are you getting…. never mind, but at least I still get a little action right?"

"I don't know, Square hasn't told us much, but probably not."

"NOOOOOOOoooooooooo…….." Cloud fell to his knees crying. "I want to see Tifa's Tight See-through shirt!"

"It's on PS3." Mickey said

"Really?" Clouds eyes lit up, "I'm sure every if she's not wearing her hot… tight … shirt…. You can still get a good face full of her b…"

Well that's that. Can you believe that Jack is in KH2? And can you believe with all detail PS3 has they got rid of Tifa's tight skimpy outfit? The game would fly right of the shelves, not to mention Vasel…. Um moving on. I hope you enjoyed this update of probably my best story, But I'm not sure if I will update it again. It depends if I get anymore ideas. Well Peace Out.


	3. Clouds Rant 3: Sixty

I'm not going to mess with a disclaimer; you know I own nothing, not even my soul. Cloud is actually back and surprisingly happy. But even then he still rants. PS3 still hasn't come out, and Advent Children turned out to be only a DVD. But who gives a damn? It's ranting time!

Cloud's Rant 3: Sixty.

"Magically I return!" Cloud said triumphantly as he walked onto the stage and sat down.

"Did you use Materia or a card?" A mutilated audience member asked as his skin was pealing nonstop.

"You….. Why aren't you dead…?" Cloud murmured staring done the person that was clearly in the shadow of the worlds love.

"I… have… LIFE INSURANCE!"

"No!" Cloud thought about it, "but behold, I will not harm you today. I honor the tradition of being nice during the holiday months and I am in a good mood." He sipped a little bit of his coffee. "Damn this is some good coffee." He took a big gulp… "HAVE YOU PLAYED THE X-BOX 360! IT'S GRAPHICS ARE AWWWWWSUUUUM!" Cloud coughed. "Sorry 'bout that. If the 360 is this good... I can't wait for the PlayStation 3. X-box should have waited, yes they did get a jump on the holidays... but when PS3 and N:R come out, I'm guessing that _they_ will come at the same time... those n00b Microsoft boobs don't honor tradition,"

"I resent that." Master Chief said crossing his arms.

"they will be the new hype, and the 360 will lose its heat. I'm not too sure about the Revolution, but I know that the PS3 will destroy the 360. The PS3 is like wine, the later you take it out the better it will taste... or maybe its not like wine, you should open it as soon as you get it and start gaming... and it might not taste that succulent. But Dead or Alive 4 will kick major ass."

"Amen to that brother!"

"Um yeah…" Cloud smiled, "That game makes me rethink my Square Soft contract..."

"Me too."

"Auron! Is that you?"

"Uh, Yes, I think it is…" He asked a half drunken Kairi that was sitting next to him if he was really Auron. She nodded. "Yup. It's me Auron!"

"Nice to have you." Cloud continued "but I'm sure the PS3 will break out another half a dozen Final Fantasy games; which I mostly will star in or at least appear in. And most likely will also have a Kingdom Hearts 3 which I will appear in" He shuddered.

"Is it true Vincent will be getting his own game?" a curious fan girl in the audience asked.

"Are you a Micro-Spy?" Cloud said pulling out a Summon Materia.

"No, No I just want to know! Is my Vinnie gonna have his own game?" The crazy fan wailed.

"Oh…" He slid the Materia back into his pocket, "soon, soon, my precious" He turned back to the fan girl, "Yes. He is. But don't call him 'Vinnie' or 'My Vinnie'. He wouldn't like that, plus he'd rather feast upon your eternal soul then go out with you." Cloud sneered.

There was an awkward silence until someone appeared behind them. "Don't put words into my mouth Cloud…" Vincent said calmly as he walked up next to them. "I like to say things myself you know." Vincent turned to the fan girl and stared at her with dark heartless eyes. "I would rather drain you of you bodily fluids and feast upon your eternal soul, then even _think_ about you, let alone go out with you."

"Nice touch." Cloud grinned

"Thank you. And for all of you who want to know about my new game… use the internet like everyone else, but check your source and make sure it's reliable. But don't trust that Blazing Fool fellow, he knows nothing of Sony, just… Nintendo…" Vincent turned and his cape fluttered, then he left the stage.

"But…. But…" the fan girl started tearing up.

"Oh don't worry about him, he hasn't been the same with women since the love of his life left him for some crack pot and became the mother of the most evilest evil of evilness." Cloud then got a devious idea. "Or… he really likes you and can't express the undying love and affection he has for you…"

"Really?" The girl cheered up a little. "OH VINNIE-POO!" She got up and ran towards the direction that Vincent had gone.

"Now that that's over… Lets go back to the subject of new video game consoles. That Nintendo Revolution is Nintendo's last chance to clinch on to their video game glory. And with the 360 already kicking so much ass, will the 'revolution' really begin?"

"I think-a the Revolution will kick-a _your_ ass!" said someone in the  
audience.

"Is that you, Mario?" screamed Cloud.

"Nooooo..." said Mario as he slowly slid out of the room...

"Ok… what ever… also, Nintendo already clashed with Sony recently with their DS. Sony's PSP blew the DS away. Will this happen again? Or will Nintendo come back and blow the repetitive yet still catchy Play Station 3 out of the water?"

"Why are we talking about consoles? Don't you rant about Kingdom Hearts?" The burned audience member asked.

"I will answer your question with one of my own… Do you see this huge ass sword with various powerful master Materia?" the person nodded slowly. "Ok then, that's your answer." Cloud turned to the others. "This is called Clouds Rant! I can rant about what I want! Any more questions?" He said glaring at them all. They all shook their heads. "Good."

Off in some random place

"VINNIE-POO!" The fan girl had finally caught up with Vincent.

"Wha... What?" Vincent turned around. "Oh you… didn't I warn you?" Vincent held up a shiny, flashy, bar, thingy. "CHAOS"

"Oh Vinnie… Cloud explained it all. I know how you really feel." She giggled and kissed him on the cheek while he was transforming, which stopped him.

"CLOUD!"

Back on Stage

"Wow, I just got the feeling that an immortal grudge filled with hatred and malice, has just been placed upon me. Oh well. To rap up, the 360 rocks, but PS3 will be much better."

Another foolish audience member stood up. "Did Sony pay you to say that?"

"MIRCO-SPY!" Cloud pulled out the Materia he had been dying to use for a while. "HADES!" The crowd turned into a group of poisoned frogs.

"Rib, Rib Ribbit! (We are frogs! Ah!)" The audience cried in little frogfish voices.

Cloud slowly backed away, and then ran.

Well that's about that. I just like the 360, and can't wait to play the PS3 or Revolution, no matter how much the Revolution's control freaks me out. And for those who haven't played the 360, the controller is smaller, and much easier to use. Please don't write me reviews of doom that flame me to death. My opinion is my opinion, if you wish to express yours, be kind. And Kingdom Hearts 2 is coming very soon to a store near you, unless you live in the middle of no where under a rock. Also thanks for Mario cameo suggestion Blazing Fool… It's about time you give a suggestion that doesn't end in a 5 year hospital stay for me... Other than that, you'll hear from Cloud again everybody… eventually. Peace out.


	4. Clouds Rant 4: To Go

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. But you, my wonderful readers already know that.

---Cloud's Rant 4 ---

"Hello once again! I, Cloud Strife, have come back to rant about Kingdom Hearts Two. This game is even more anticipated by horny fan boys than the original and semi-sequel combineded! Don't even say it…" Cloud pointed a threatening finger at the horribly malice-ed audience member.

"RIKU+RIKU UBER KAWAIIIIIIII!" the littlest fan boy screamed.

"SILENCE! That is impossible anyways…" Cloud held his sword high, "I will tell you all you need to know about KH2 _before_ it comes out!"

"But Cloud… Strife sir… it is already out… It came out March 31…" a man dressed as a bard reminded him.

"Really? Well shit…" Cloud put his sword down.

"We'd still gladly listen to you, not all of us have it yet…" A random fan-fiction author commented.

"GREAT!" Cloud spun his sword, "Duh-duh-duh-duh-DA-duh-Da-duh-duh! Ok then. This game really pisses me off. First and foremost, there is a Tron world. A TRON WORLD! One in a million people liked that movie; most of them were the ones who made it. Raise you hand if you liked that movie." The audience remained still, not a one raised an arm. "Good. Point proven. Next… this REALLY pisses me off: Tifa; hot, smooth, slender, and busty got put into the game."

"But wouldn't you like that? She _is_ your girl." Cid asked

"Cid… you know as well as I do… they made her wear her Advent Children get-up. Not the little, tight, white shirt and over all shorts… AND WORSE! They digitally made her bust a C. A C! She is a size D bust, size D! Still, you all would say 'If you truly love her for who she is, you wouldn't care.' And you are righ--"

"WE WOULDN'T SAY THAT!" A group of hardcore Tifa fan boys yelled at the top of their lungs. "TIFA ISN'T TIFA WITHOUT HER WONDERFULLY HUGE BUST!"

"Come on guys… You don't even know Tifa as a person… she's very kind and sweet." Cloud smiled, "I'd love her even if she was a size A…"

The Audience let out a big group "Aww…."

"Also, this pissed me off… you know the X-2 girls? They were like all fine looking women, nice busts, pretty faces… Stupid Disney… can we all say 'Chibi pre-teen cardboard box'?"

"Chibi pr-" The Audience began.

"That was a rhetorical question… you're not supposed to answer it." Cloud shook his head. "What am I doing? Every time I get up here I talk about boobs and mutilate audience members… oy… I'm as pathetic as a super nerd-geek on steroids…"

A near to death member of the audience came to the stage, "Cloud… It is ok…"

"Really? It is? I'm not a loser?"

"Hush my child. Do not freight"

"I'm sorry to you, I injure you so much, and I don't even know your name." Cloud wept.

"My name… it is better that you not know…" The disfigured figure remarked.

"Please tell me…"

"Ok… my name is… Locudx…"

Cloud let out a blood curdling scream " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"

A pink short-hair man stood up. "Damn-it Locudx! You gave away our cover. Ventxcin, Red Twenty Three, Xaberrt, and Hixa-Shctt grab Locudx and run!"

"I'm sorry Dicx!" Locudx cried as the bright, yellow jump-suited members of _Group of People and Stuff 42_ grabbed him and ran.

"Um…I guess I should explain that… It make contain spoilers but hey who cares! First off…"

**We Interrupt This Rant To Bring You This Special Offer!**

"Tired of that old rusty sword that's too big to fit in your garage or shed, and hasn't cut like it used to in months? Well bring it down to Zack's sword shop! Our deceased owner had a passion for swords as tall as himself! Was he a 'Soul Reaper'? No he was a member of Solider! Just call me, Reeve, that man in a giant Chocobo suit in front of Bone City, at 555-BIG-ASS-SWORDS. Ta ta ta!"

**Thank You For Your Time**

"..and that's all you need to know about Nobodies." Cloud sat back own in his chair.

"Cloud… does Sora really get to wield dual keyblades?" A little girl asked.

"Are you one of those horrible gay fan boys?"

"No… Cloud I'm a gir-"

"Then I shall tell you. YES it is true. Speaking of dual wielding… Has everyone seen me dual wield my huge ass swords?" There was a dull silence. "Anyone?" … "OK! If there are any of you out there, and you viewers at home, that haven't seen me dual wield my kick ass swords, GET YOUR ASSES OFF WHAT EVER YOU ARE SITTING ON, LEAVE WHERE EVER YOU ARE AND WATCH… Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children."

"I've seen it Cloud." The littlest fanboy smiled.

"Oh…. No…." Cloud shook his head.

"IT WAS SO HOT! OMGAWD! BARRET HAD A SEXY FISH NET MESH SILVER TOP AND VINCENT WAS ALL WOOOOSH… AND THOSE THREE GUYS WITH GRAY/SILVER HAIR WERE SO HOT AND WHEN THAT ONE TURNED INTO SEPHIE, I SCREAMED 'SEPHIE MY BISHIE!' AND I WAS LIKE Ahh…….."

"Thank GOD I wasn't include in tha-"

"AND THEN CLOUD WAS ALL 'TIFA I LOVE YOU' AND TIFA WAS ALL LIKE 'LET'S MAKE LOVE' AND THEN I CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND WENT 'VAAWAABOOSH!' AND KICKED THAT BITCH'S ASS! THEN ME AN CLO-"

**And We Interrupt This Rant Once Again For This Campaign Ad:**

"Hello this is Rufus. Midgard, once rebuilt, will need a new strong leader. One that can survive a hellish explosion, a large fall, and listening to people. But in our day and age, who could have all of those qualities? That's were I, Rufus, come in. I once was the leader of Midgard, I and can be so once again. Vote for me Rufus in the next election."

**Again Thank You For Your Time**

"… and that's how you paint a studio with blood. Just to clear that up, he never even came close kicking Tifa's sweet, tight ass, tho' I do wonder how he got those arms sown back on… and there was not a single love scene in the movie, it is too bad. But I got my fair share off-sets. I think Zack scored a little too. In that life stream all alone with Aeiris…"

"I want to learn what you know about that, um 'radical', (whisper: they say radical these days right?), game named Dirge of Cerberus." A red cloaked man inquired.

"Vincent… is that you again?"

"Damn… you caught me."

"Why don't YOU come down here and tell US about YOUR game."

"Fine. This video game uses guns. Obviously, my artillery consists of guns. The set up is rather 'cool'."

"IS THAT ALL YOU'RE GOING TO TELL US?"

"Yes Cloud, that is all that I can share."

"Fine, get out of here. Well that is it for now! I'm off to go spank Tifa! Ta Ta Ta!"

--- End ---

Note: The comment 'Soul Reaper' applies to the SJ Graphic Novel: Bleach.

Sorry this took so long. I started a little bit before KH2 came out, this project bled over and so I had do different stuff with it. I quit on it for a while then came back with more info, quit, came back, then...I finished it over a month ago but my lazy ass never put it up. There will be more rants, but it will take a long time.


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